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Where will it all end?
The world is going crazy!
There's no right or wrong anymore.
No value for life anymore.
Where does this new chaos leave me?
I'm 50 already, how is it possible that I don't have any idea who I really am?
I am Human
I am Woman
I'm Mom
I am Afrikaans.
I am a Christian, or am I?
I want to be,
but the visible evidence of my life will not convince anyone that I am a Christian.
I don't even believe that I'm vaguely okay,
not to mention sort out and holy?
My children also live, like me,
as Christians but,
oppressed under all the traditions, beliefs, and bindings of our ancestors,
our miss-believes and our human nature.
Father, I am so tired,
tired of pretending,
tired of being satisfied with the little that make some sense.
More than that,
Lord, I am afraid,
I am so afraid that if You come on the clouds for your bride now,
or even when trials and difficult times come now,
I am afraid that I will choose Myself and my children over You.
I have always had to supplement your work in order to survive.
Wait,- What?
THAT'S NOT TRUE - but it is for me!
It's so terrifying, to be honest.
It feels disrespectful to God but I can't go on like this any longer,
so let's settle it here and now,
please, Lord.
The tears roll down my cheeks,
and the fearful pain inside my heart slowly begins to make some space for emptiness.
What did I do?
HELP ME, FATHER,
HELP ME PLEASE, HELP ME NOW,
I, WANT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE ENOUGH!
But then I always feel that I still need to supplement.
WHERE ARE YOU?
I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT I WILL CHOOSE YOU
OVER TEMPTATIONS, TRIALS, AND DEATH!
But then I succumbed to the first gossip story,
or earthly temptation,
or food temptation,
or discouragement,
or defeat,
or, worst of all, with the evidence that I am not enough.
The silnce is defening.
Father, I understand that I don't deserve your mercy.
You showed me the truth and I profited from your favour.
I drank from the streams of your living water and ate the bread of Your grace,
but then I fell back into my own works and sinned, again.
I tried to make it work all on my own, on my own terms, and in my own energy.
BUT JUST GIVE ME A SIGN OR PROMISE ME
THAT YOU WILL SAVE MY CHILDREN.
PLEASE,
I KNOW I AM PARTIALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR BELIEFS
BUT I ASK THAT YOU COME AND FIX MY BROKEN EFFORTS,
EVEN IF I DON'T DESERVE IT.
The tension begins to leave my body. I am so tired, but not exhausted enough to move from this place.
And then, slowly but surely a vision starts to appear.
Some place between my head and my heart, I think?
I saw myself walking,
It was as if I could see myself from outside my body.
I was walking in a garden, with God.
After my outburst, I would think that I would be fearful and ashamed, but instead, I am mesmerized!
Can this really be?
I am walking with Jesus in the most beautiful heavenly garden.
As the beauty and peace of the surrounding nature grow in my empty heart, I start to breathe again.
And then I saw myself,
It was me, but almost unrecognizable.
The most beautiful of all creation.
So perfect,
completely holy,
breath-taking,
whole,
more than enough,
force,
strong,
invincible,
light and shining,
glowing,
light-footed,
dancing,
healthy,
happy,
cheerful,
joyful,
laughing,
giggling!
I still don't understand how it is possible to feel so complete,
perfect, free, and holy.
But then I noticed that my visible appearance was not the climax of this vision.
Maybe it was not even real.
What was undeniably true and real, however, was the life-changing love that swept over me and through me and the way it changed me from the inside out.
It's difficult to explain, but I saw myself as God sees me.
I was filled with amazement, not just at the sheer beauty but the wholeness and holiness of my mind and heart.
How is this possible?
I'm not worthy and surely don't deserve any of this.